My Invisible Illness

Fibromyalgia.  This is a word that is becoming increasingly more common in our society today.  But in spite of the growing numbers of people this "disease" is affecting, a lot of people still haven't heard of it, or if they have, do not know what is really is.  So, if you care to read further, I'm going to educate you.  Why?  Because you might see me limping around in the hall ways at church, or might notice me missing from an event and wonder why, or, you might wonder why I don't want you to touch me, shake my hand, or give me a hug. 
Researchers still don't know exactly what causes people to get Fibromyalgia, although they have a few theories.  This, is one of them. "Current thinking centers around a theory called central sensitization. This theory states that people with Fibromyalgia have a lower threshold for pain because of increased sensitivity in the brain to pain signals.
Researchers believe repeated nerve stimulation causes the brains of people with Fibromyalgia to change. This change involves an abnormal increase in levels of certain chemicals in the brain that signal pain (neurotransmitters). In addition, the brain's pain receptors seem to develop a sort of memory of the pain and become more sensitive, meaning they can overreact to pain signals." (taken from Mayo Clinics website)
Some of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia are joint pain, muscle pain, muscle tenseness (imagine not being able to relax your muscles), restless sleep or insomnia, which, only aggravates the symptoms even more. 
I've had some symptoms for awhile now but I was in denial.  The pain in my knees?  Maybe I just need to lose some weight.  But then my elbows starting hurting.  The pain at night was terrible!  Then the sleeplessness came.  It took forever to fall asleep.  Then I would wake up around 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and not be able to fall asleep again until 6:00.  Several people suggested I might have this (Fibromyalgia).  It is thought to be hereditary and seeing as how both of my parents suffer from it, I had a pretty darn good chance of getting it myself.  I got angry.  I became depressed.  I have two little kids!  I'm too young to have to live with this!  I grieved.  Oh how I grieved and pleaded!  I begged God to not do this to me!  I already have such a low pain tolerance!  And now He's going to inflict me with this?  But then the miracle happened.  One night at choir practice, we were asked to share our burdens with the others so they might pray for us.  I bawled as I shared with a couple women the mental struggle I was going through in facing the possibility of having Fibromyalgia.  They prayed for me.  Rehearsal started and we had such an amazing night of worship!  When it was over however, I barely made it to the car before the torrential flood of tears came.  My body was in so much pain.  Then I turned on the radio to K LOVE and caught the chorus of "Jesus Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. 
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain


Then the beginning of the second verse...


I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain


Wow.  Sometimes, we don't understand why God allows us to go through some of the trials and tribulations he brings our way other than knowing that it will make us stronger.  But, I believe that on that night, he gave me a glimpse of the bigger picture.  A few of my friends that have Fibromyalgia have told me they have to rely daily on God's grace.  Yeah, yeah.  Whatever.  But then I got it!  God only wanted me to lean on Him.  To allow Him to carry me through each day, thus, getting the glory.  The tears of pain turned into tears of gratefulness and praise.  My prayer changed from "God, please don't do this to me!" into "Bring it on, God!  If me living in pain is what will bring me closer to you and will bring you glory, then I accept this affliction with a grateful heart!"  For the next two weeks, I felt no pain.  The depression was gone, my spirit was joyful and I felt such a peace!  I wondered if I had been healed, if it was all just a test, but I kept the appointment that had been made with the rheumatologist, just in case.  A week before that appointment, the pain came back in full force.  I saw the rheumatologist and he gave me the diagnosis; I had Fibromyalgia.  Hearing it said officially normally would've devastated me, but I received the news calmly.  After all, I already knew I had it, it was just a matter of getting an official diagnosis so I could begin treating it.  The day I received the diagnosis, the pain became severe.  By the next day, it was even worse.  I was limping around as though I had two sprained ankles.  Each step I took sent stabbing pains up into my shins.  On the outside, I look normal, healthy.  But on the inside, every joint hurts.  Every muscle tensed to the max.  It effects even my skin!  Some days, my skin is so sensitive, I can't even let my kids sit on my lap or receive a hug from my husband b/c it is just too excruciating.  Ever seen that commercial about Fibromyalgia where the woman says, "Some days, I just want a hug but I know it will hurt."?  I used to think, "How awful that must feel!".  Now I know what it feels like.  And it stinks.   But I still have so much to be thankful for.  I'm thankful I don't have an illness that is more visible on the outside.  Like arthritis or cancer.  Or being crippled or paralyzed.  I know in this life, I'll have pain, but I serve someone who is greater than that pain and who is holding me in his almighty hand every single day.